Don't Ask, Don't Tell... A Spouse's Rank?

Yesterday, I had my hair cut. No, I had my hair shampooed, conditioned, treated, massaged, cut, blown-out and straightened. Needless to say, a huge treat. An even bigger treat was my hairstylist. Since we're new to this Army town, I was on the search for a new stylist and, ignoring the advice of posters on Google, I tried this salon.

My stylist, who I'm going to call M, was fabulous. We talked, we laughed, we almost cried. Okay, I didn't almost cry but we had a good time together while she worked away on my hair. She shared things about her life while all I could think was how young she looked even though she was older than me (by two weeks ;-) And I wanted to know every single reason as to why she didn't have a single wrinkle and I had thousands. We soon discovered we were both military spouses (big surprise) and she had just moved here too... And we talked about our kids, their schools, where we had lived before, you get the idea...

And then she asked me where I lived and I recounted how hilarious it was that post housing had called us with an opening the day we moved into our new house off of post.

M said she lived on post. She then asked:

"Where did they offer you housing?"

I paused. And I lied.

"I don't know. They all seem kind of the same," I said, with a fake laugh.

I didn't want to tell her. Yes, she could have been innocently asking the question, but then it was followed by a few more questions, all of which pointed to what she really wanted to know:

What exactly does your husband do and what is his rank?

I did everything possible to avoid a straight answer because, I knew, it would totally change the dynamics of our conversation. I was afraid I would become someone other than that lady she was having a nice conversation with, the one she was sharing a lot of stuff with...

Looking back now, maybe I didn't give M enough credit. She could have easily have breezed by the whole "rank thing" after she knew, but my past experience told me most of the time it doesn't happen. But what causes us to do this? Some may say "tradition." Some may say "just because." Some may say "I don't really care what rank your spouse is because I'll treat you the same." Others may say, "I think it is expected by some people to get treated different, and I feel like I have to do it."

Wearing your spouse's rank is such an over-debated topic. But I think there is also another issue. The reverse of someone wearing their spouse's rank: but treating someone different because of their spouse's rank.

Maybe it dates back to those etiquette books or military spouse rule books or just old school before the Iraq and Afghanistan wars thinking, but how we act around each often gets dictated by how we have been told (by those outdated (?) books or by others or how we feel) we should treat someone because of the rank of a person's spouse.

I'm not naive. I know there is a complex maze and odd dynamics to figure out when dealing with rank. I think it is a possible book topic. Mini-series. At least a reality show. But...

Do you ask? Do you tell? Or do you think it's all as outdated as white gloves and calling cards? Or is it just part of being a spouse of someone in the military? And have you ever thought about how you treat someone, not because you've met them before and you have a "history," but just because of their spouse's rank?