The kids are alright?

There is one word that I have a love/hate relationship with when it comes to military life:

Resilient

For some people, this word is synonymous with "military spouse," "military families," and "military children."

Why do I have a problem with this word? I think my biggest issue is that I feel it diminishes all of the struggling people. The people who buckle under the weight of the cycles of deployment. Those children who feel lost with a parent who has been gone five years of the eight years of their lives. The spouses who wonder if they are alone in their feelings of despair. The people that don't bounce back.

Why do I like this word? Because I hope that it is what my children are: resilient.

Honestly, I don't know how they do it. (Okay, I know all military spouses will laugh at this statement because so often it is directed at us!) How do they go to four different schools in five years of schooling. How do they make new friends every other year? How do they deal with one parent being gone?

Once my oldest son said to me that he envied the fact that I have a friend who I have known since I was a little girl. I knew what he meant: there wouldn't be a friend he had grown up with his whole life. It broke my heart.

Yes, I know. My kids will live around the world! Okay, at least they will live in 7 to 8 small towns located approximately 1 hour away from a major city. They will meet lots of different people! Have unique experiences!

But I still wonder: are the kids going to be alright? Will they be resilient?

I ask this because of the zillions of studies I read doing research for various articles that I write on the topic of military families. And what do these studies usually say? A lot of times they say our military kids are struggling, they have issues, they are having trouble coping because of deployments, deployments, deployments, and moving so much. And, usually in those studies, there is that word, you guessed it, "resilient," which is used to give us hope that, even with these challenges, they will be just fine.

On Monday, I read an interview with a military brat who recounted a story about when she was growing up and feeling kind of down. Her mom threw her a birthday party and all of the neighborhood kids came. Since they were relatively new, the girl sat at the table and looked around. She didn't recognize a single kid. Years later, she wrote how this depressed her, made her feel even worse about the situation.

As the years pass, the moves continue and our military life progresses, I wonder:

What will my kids remember through these deployments and moves? And is it enough to hope they are the "resilient" type. That they will look at it all as a blessing in disguise or resent what it all took away.

Truth is, the studies only touch upon the tip of the deployment impact iceberg. And, compounded with the tumult of moving and everyday life stresses modern kids face, that iceberg may be bigger than researchers who don't live this life can imagine. I think the answer to whether the kids will be alright will be different for every family and every child. You can't fudge a real childhood with pretend parties with a resiliency bumper slapped on for good measure. Like it or not, our kids are a part of "The New Normal." Which, I think, means dumping the word "resilient" for one that I like better:

Complicated